She will just walk alone

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She is badly hurt.
But no one cares, or has ever cared for her feelings.
People said they love her and will always be with her. That they loved and accepted every part of her. That they will never hurt her, never leave her.

And yet  they tried to change her. She tried to change herself too, just to make them happy. The problem was not the change it self. The problem is that no matter how many times she killed a part of her, sacrificed and changed a part of her. Tried to be a better person for them. It was never enough for them.They hurt her. They left her.

They didn’t see her inner battles, her loneliness and her depression. They didn’t see her tears.
They just cared for their own happiness. They only cared for their own ego.

They shouted at her. They called her names. They degraded her every now and then.
But she kept going back to them. She kept trying to make them happy. Because someone had told her that when you love someone, that is what you do. You give up your ego. But she bent over so many times to appease them that now her back is completely broken. Her self-esteem is dead.

Yet they hate her. And she hates herself.

But then one day she finally realized that probably they never really loved her. They just loved her beauty. But not her heart and her soul.
They made her hate her self. Is that love at all? Because when you love some one, you love their beauty, heart, mind, body and soul. And perhaps, they never loved the broken in her. Because no one is perfect. Not even her. And when you love someone, you love all parts of them…the good, the bad and the damaged. And with love you try to mend the broken and heal the pain. With love you make them whole again, make them happy. Yes! that is love.

So then she finally decided to stand on her own. Because her heart told her that as much as it hurts to stay away from them, as much as she loves them…it is not worth it. It is not worth it if they do not respect her feelings and soul.

And if they ever loved her enough they will come back to her and accept her, respect her, love her and make her whole.

There is a question above all other questions that haunts her the most
Did she never mattered for them?
And then she also asks herself that how will she live without them?
How will she survive without their presence in her life. What about those future that she painted of the happily ever after?

The promises that they made, were they all fake?
The promises that they will love her, respect her, hold her hand forever and mend her broken pieces. Till death do them apart. Were they just empty words ?

But then, if they do not comeback then probably they never truly loved her.
It is time to test the promises they made.

Until then..wiping her own tears, clenching her broken pieces. She will just walk alone.

She will just walk alone.

“He never really loved me. Did he?
If he really did love me then he would have cared for the despair I feel. He would have felt my broken heart and seen the tears in my eyes. He would have fought with his ego. He would have thrown away his pride and held me tight in his arms. He would have whispered is my ears – Darling, it is all going to be alright”

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fiona_3.png ©Princess Fiona Crystal *All rights reserved. The Material not to be copied or distributed without permission

That Man

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Love, for me, was once a pious romantic emotion. Soft and serene. Poised and placid. Platonic. It was like a fragrance of a fresh garden flower. Soothing and sweet. Ever so innocent.

Then I met that man.

Everything changed the moment I fell in love with him. The serenity and poise long gone. Replaced with waves of wild emotions and mindless turbulence. It was like a wild flower. Sinful, yet beautiful. He became the center of my gravity and the pull oh! so strong. He was the devil and yet I would send away angels to be with him. He took me to such amorous heights and yet worshiped me with absolute reverence.He made me feel such unrestrained emotions, gripping my heart with such force yet I never felt so alive.

And that is when I realized, that is how I want love to be…challenging, tempestuous and sinfully amazing.

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The man makes me feel such intensified emotions. Emotions that I didn’t even knew existed in me.
With just those eyes, he stops the world around me. With just a touch, he sets me on fire.
He make my heart stop and flutter, all at the same time. My personal heaven and hell.

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Some people come in your life, take a space in your heart, leave some memories in your mind and then one day go away. Making you miss them.

But not that man.
The man walked right into my heart, imprinted all over my mind. And when he left, he locked my heart and threw away the keys. Destroying me for everyone else. Forever.

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“The damn man clutters my mind, overwhelms my senses and puts my self control to shame.
Sensibility slips through my fingers like sand when I am near him.

He takes me to the highest high and then clouds my heart in one sudden swoop.

That no matter how intelligent I am or rational I try to be, his pull on me is just too strong.
And like a moth to the flame, I know I will end up burned.”- K. Bromberg (The Driven Triology)

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fiona_3.png ©Princess Fiona Crystal *All rights reserved. The Material not to be copied or distributed without permission

Despair

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I got up today and realized that I have lost the will to live.

All the emotions of sadness, abandonment, grief, hopelessness, despair and so much more is building up and boiling inside me.
And yet my heart, my heart feels numb.

Its is as if a great weight has been put on my chest and I am sinking down in the deep ocean of darkness.

It is an overwhelming feeling of detachment from the life and this world.
An urgency to separate from all this Maya

I have never felt this tired of living. It is like a black hole consuming me from within.

I wonder…is this how one feels before they finally succumb and give up?

fiona_3.png ©Princess Fiona Crystal *All rights reserved. The Material not to be copied or distributed without permission

A NEW IDENTITY

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Jan 12th 2014; 8:10

I was overwhelmed by the love & support I have received from so many people from different parts of the globe..whom I consider my extended family and my friends.

I was reluctant to share a very personal part of me, a reality, my identity which is one among the many things that makes me ‘ME’. However, I am glad that I did. And everyone accepted me with open arms, open mind and love in their heart for me.

When we love someone, we don’t judge them..we accept them with their flaws and perfection, with their sanity & their crazyness. When we love someone we just love them. And these people proved that. My stars are lucky to come across such amazing people in my life..My stars are luckier because these amazing people love me back :-)

I feel a surge of pure ecastasy and peace.

I never expected such emotions when I took that important step in my life and started to write down each emotions in words :

Jan 8th 2014; 6:12 PM

I don’t know how to make it easier for the people who know me. And there is nothing ‘new’ about it unlike the title of this article.

I love my body. I am a girl and identify myself with the pronoun of the girl as well. However, my spirit is fluid. Hinduism says that our soul has no gender. Sometimes we are born as male, sometimes a female. However, we are never truly male or female. Our body is just a vessel.

Exactly like that…sometimes my spirit is female, sometimes its male. And it has always been this way ever since I was a child.

Its is just like I would sometimes think and feel like a woman in one situation & then I would feel and think like a man in other situations. I have always thought of me as a perfect tomboy who can transform into a perfect lady whenever I want. Some days I love makeup, other days I hate it. Some days I love dresses, sexy & seductive ; other days I love my faded jeans, canvas and shirt with the sleeves pulled up. Some days I love my long & wavy hair, the other days I want it spikey & short.
I love the crazy and rough me and the sweet and sensual me. I love the always-careful-and-sensible me. I also love the I-don’t-even-give-a-damn me.
Sometimes it is complicated, the other times its fun. I am beautiful and perfect the way I am.

This has never been too important a topic for me to ponder on. I really don’t care.
I am a free spirit…too wild to be tamed. I surpass all norms and stereotypes.
And there are other people like me who are free spirited/fluid.

I don’t put labels on myself. I am not a clothing line. I am a human.
But then label is not meant for the person but it is meant to make it easier for the people who know that person to understand things a bit better. So in that way you can call me ‘Gender Nonconformist’ .

I love myself, I love every inch of me. I am free spirited, I can’t be framed in any particular stereotype. This is who I have always been & who I will always be.

I am a soul
And I know that people who love me will accept me the way I am.

Remember : “We are what we are exactly supposed to be. We are where we are exactly supposed to be.”

Thank you!
Fiona (A Polyamorous-Gender Nonconformist-Bisexual Human who is breaking the stereotypes.)

fiona_3.png ©Princess Fiona Crystal *All rights reserved. The Material not to be copied or distributed without permission

Fade Out

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I sit here in my bed wrapped inside my warm blanket looking back at the moments of a yesteryear. 2014. Will this new year really make a difference in my life? It might not until I do something about it myself. But what exactly do I do this time that will make things any better? Well maybe by not doing what I did last year or the year before or the year before. But I will make mistakes, I will screw up and I will have my loneliness by my side to keep me company once again. But who knows maybe this time it will be different because I might not make the same mistakes that I have always made.

A chill runs down the spine…is it the freezing winter air or the memories of the mistakes that screwed my life and happiness? Both I guess, everyone says “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” .So I am a better and stronger person now. Am I really? I doubt that. I feel like the worst possible thing in existence.

Sorry about that…I have made this thing a habit, you know to question myself again and again. That is what you learn when you have screwed your own happiness time & again. Breath In. Breath Out. But I am proud of myself. I have not killed myself even though I continue to walk on the broken pieces of my heart and a shattered confidence to add more to the pain and agony. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I have broken down, cried myself to death and shattered in million pieces but never given up. I might give up tomorrow, who knows. But, I haven’t given up till now. And I love myself for that!

But you know what gives me the strength to not give up. What gives me the reason to fight back ? The one person in this world who held out his tiny hand to hold mine Twenty-One years and Two Hundred and Eighty days ago and continues to hold me on, the grip stronger with each passing day…My baby Brother <3

There is no force in this world that would have stopped me from ceasing to exist. But, its him. The best gift of God to me, if God really exists, that is. No matter what I do, no matter what decisions I make, no matter how many times I screw up, no matter what everyone things about me…he is always there, wiping away my tears, telling me that its all going to be alright, no questions, no judgment, just comforting me like a baby (such irony considering that I am older and well, supposed to be the one who is more sensible!). He is always there.

When I look back at the decisions that has changed my life and filled it with miseries, it shocks me. I am not that person. Then how did I become like that! That is not me. That is not me. But it is me. I have made those decisions and I have committed those mistakes. What was I thinking? I hate myself every day for it. And by the holy Lord! have I been punished!! I have been punished a lot. Serves me right indeed considering that I still do not feel even an inch of guilt. But only God knows how much I have wished that it would have never happened.

I have experienced the highs in my life when everyone wanted me and saying out loud “I know that girl! She is my friend” , to the lowest lows when every eye one me making me crawl inwardly with more disgust to myself thinking about what they might be talking about me! I grew so suspicious and wary of everyone that I hid myself in a bubble. Mind you, I still continued to trust some people that i should have not. But then old habits die hard. And I continued to be hurt. Everyday a little more.

I will give you one example of the agony. Here is an old Facebook post : Date: 16 Aug 2012

“It’s the loneliest feeling in the world – to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say “what’s the matter with her?” I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren’t sure whether you’re walking toward something, or if you’re just walking away.”― Robert E. Lee, Inherit the Wind

I can’t believe I came out of it ALIVE! I was going through so much…severe depression, panic attacks, anxiety, a lot of hate towards myself and so much more. WOW!! Man I am strong!

Someone told me that when you are too sad in life then submerge yourself in work. And I did just that. Working day and night. More hard work, more concentration, more extra time. I didn’t want to leave a single second to myself because I was always afraid I might end up dead like that particular and fateful day (night to be precise) if I continue to cry the sorry tears. But if you commit mental suicide (lack of a better word) or you commit physical suicide both way you are the one who is going to end up dead. Work is not an answer. You need peace of mind to stay sane and you need a proper sleep time and food to stay healthy. Money does not buy health and I tell you this work might be an answer to some extent but too much work is equal to death. And so my health deteriorated day and day. I might have been dead if had I continued to work at that pace any longer. But did I care? NO. Should I have? Of course!!

The only good thing that happened to me this year is I am healthy. Not much healthy but healthy nevertheless. Money doesn’t matter if you are sick and dying. Too much work is not an answer. Yes I don’t have mental peace. But then I never had true mental peace in the first place. Drinks doesn’t help the pain either it just gives you a hangover to cry about the next day. Where to hide then? NO WHERE. You don’t need to hide.

The people who love you will love you no matter what you are, no matter what you have done. And the people who hate you will continue to hate you for no reason at all. You are not here to please everyone and anyone. Love yourself even if no one loves you. Trust yourself even if no one has faith in you. You are stronger than you think you are. I have learned this that don’t waste your tears for others, because people who don’t care about you will never care anyway.

I have gone through some good times, some bad times, a lot of worse times and a lot of worse* then hell times. It gets better, true. But, sometimes it keeps getting worse & worse. But I tell you this that if you have just one person to understand your silence then the pain is bearable. You fight your inner conflicts to live some more.

It might not get better but you always grow into a better version of yourself. That matters. When family and friends fail you. Strangers will help you because they will have nothing to lose from believing in you.

Don’t cease to exist, just cease to exist from the lives of people who do not love you. Trust me on this.

Fade out.

fiona_3.png ©Princess Fiona Crystal *All rights reserved. The Material not to be copied or distributed without permissio

Let go

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“When you are important to another person, that person will always find a way to make time for you, no excuses, no lies, no broken promises”
It is a very pleasing thought to know that the one who will love you truly and the one who thinks you are important, will never lie to you, will never break your heart, and will always have time for you.
It is a strong contradiction that occurs when you actually get into a relationship, specially relationships that eventually end.
All throughout you feel as if there would be no one more important or more loving than the one you are with only to realize that it was not.
It pains to know that a person who thinks you are important might let you fade out of their life.

There doesn’t need to be a “bad guy/girl” for a relationship to not function. Values and communication actually play a big part, problem is we expect the other to be perfect but we are not.
The question is, which “defects” are you willing to put up with? Which flaws are acceptable to you? You have to change too, relationships are not to be perfect, they are to be filled with enough love that makes you wanna get over yourself to be with the one you love.
Often people claim love till they find someone that they really really love and only then they look back and realize that everything else was not the love as the present one is.
Know yourself, know what you really want, what you really feel is important, become better, what is that most people complain about you?
Try to be a better version of yourself and that will “attract” the right people for you, not the perfect, but the right one.

And if there is someone whom you value more than your heart, care more than your wounds and cherish more than your soul.
And if that someone does not care to give you even a tiny piece of their time and emotion. Don’t bother.
Yes! of course it will hurt but then you my dear…can do so much better <3
Because remember one thing…if they really loved you at all they would never let you fade out of their life.

Let go. Don’t look back

P.S Why do only good things fade out from our lives?

fiona_3.png ©Princess Fiona Crystal *All rights reserved. The Material not to be copied or distributed without permissio

I could NOT move on

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Years have passed however, I am standing at the same crossroad where you deserted me.

I tried to move on going from one road to another
A journey full of indescribable misery and heartache
I kept looking for you everywhere  but you were never there.
I told myself that you can feel at least a bit of the agony that you put me in.
But I was wrong, you feel no emotions…you feel no pain

Time passed..days turned into months and now its been so many years
But i am still standing at the same place where you left me hurt and crying.
A place where every night is a nightmare and everyday it rains.
My heart is still bleeding & my mind has turned insane.

All i have learned is to hide my pain better then before.
I put on a mask everyday and act like I don’t care.
But i have still not learned …how to stop loving you
My love for you is painfully true.

fiona_3.png ©Princess Fiona Crystal *All rights reserved. The Material not to be copied or distributed without permission